Woody Allen

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. ~ "Selections from the Allen Notebooks," in New Yorker, Nov. 5, 1973

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The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife -- a depressing thought, particularly for those who have bothered to shave. Also, there is the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it's being held. ~ "The Early Essays," Without Feathers

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I do occasionally envy the person who is religious naturally, without being brainwashed into it or suckered into it by all the organized hustles. ~ Rolling Stone, 1987

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How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter? ~ Without Feathers, 1975

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If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever. ~ from the final monologue in his film, Love and Death (Thanks, Geof!)

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Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends. ~ "My Philosophy," The New Yorker (December 27, 1969), Getting Even "My Philosophy" (1971)

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To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

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In real life, Keaton believes in God. But she also believes that the radio works because there are tiny people inside it.

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I don't want to achieve immortality through my work ... I want to achieve it through not dying.

~ quoted in: Edward Lax, Woody Allen and his Comedy, ch. 12 (1975), quoted from The Columbia Dictionary of Quotations

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"If Woody Allen were a Muslim, he'd be dead by now."~ Salman Rushdie, Indian-born British author, quoted in: Independent (London, 18 February 1989), quoted from The Columbia Dictionary of Quotations